Before you go “popping the question” and asking for fishing permission, there are a few things you should know.
Contrary to the small-town rumor mill, I did not enter into holy matrimony with my bride solely to gain access to her daddy’s prized fishing pond. But it is quite true that sometimes desperate people will go to great and unbelievable lengths to gain access to private fishing spots, and they should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. There are less messy and painful ways to get into that fishing hole than wedlock. Sometimes all you have to do is pick up the phone and ask a total stranger to trust you. Sounds simple enough, right? So, before you get down on bended knee and pop the question to your local lake owner, allow me to share this handy guide that may open up the gates to all those hallowed honey holes.
THE OPENING LINE
It’s always good to have an opening “pick-up line,” uttered in a smooth, calming, almost syrupy-sweet voice. Something clever like, “Hey, good buddy, how you doing?”
“Who the devil is this?”
“Oh, it’s your old buddy, Mikey, remember? We were in the fifth grade together for about two weeks before they held me back. Anyway, lookie here…” (You should always say “lookie here” after you break the ice and it’s time to get down to business.)
“I don’t know a Mike. What do you want? Are you trying to sell me pond insurance again?”
That’s when you may have to express some sincere emotions.
“Hey, buddy, I sure was sorry to hear about your momma and all. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the funeral or send flowers, but I was thinking about you.”
“My momma died four years ago.”
“Well, I know, and I think so highly of you and your family that I’m still grieving. She was a mighty fine woman! Now, lookie here….”
If the “old buddy” stuff doesn’t work, I’d promote the pond owner from buddy to cousin.
“Hey, Cuz!” (Even though you are likely more closely related to Cro-Magnon Man than this man.) “Lookie here….”
THE INVITATION
From time to time you will encounter naïve, good-hearted people who will casually invite you to fish in a family member’s pond without really checking with them first. Bless their hearts, but this situation must be exploited. I once encountered a talkative five-year-old shopping for groceries with his mother, who told me he liked the picture of the bass on my T-shirt and that I could come fishing at Granddaddy’s place any time. Of course, the kid put the mother on the spot, so she had to back him up.
“So, who are you again?” the pond owner asked when I showed up to help his family unload the groceries. “And you say my five-year-old grandson invited you to fish my place?”
“He sure did. Great kid, by the way! But you really should have a chat with him about the dangers of talking to strangers. Well, just point in the direction of the fishing hole and I’ll get out of your way.”
EMPTY PROMISES
Sometimes, to gain the trust of certain overly picky landowners, you may have to make outlandish promises that you have absolutely no intentions of keeping. For example, I once called and told a fellow that if he would let me in his pond just once, I promised to throw back any and all fish I caught, despite the fact that I have never released a fish in my entire life. I didn’t even throw back that swollen can of sardines I found in my old tackle box, and that one cost me 40 pounds and four days at Hampton Regional Medical Center.
However, this phone call was back in the days when we had a spin-dial rotary phone and we were on a party line with everyone on our dirt road. When I told that man that I would actually throw a fish back, I could hear the operator and three of my neighbors cackle and snort, and it almost wrecked the deal.
REPEAT OFFENDERS
So, you have gained access to the bass pond, and it’s a real humdinger! You tear into them, limit out and leave them still biting and wanting more! You want another crack at it, but you don’t want to wear out your welcome, so what do you do?
“Hey, Cuz, it’s me again. We really enjoyed your pond yesterday. But I just found out that one of my kids left an empty worm can on the ground by the pond. Now, I despise littering, and believe you me the boy has been punished. But I feel so bad about it that me and the boys want to go back this afternoon and clean up around the pond for a couple of hours to make amends.”
KEEPING THE COMPETITION AWAY
Your struggle isn’t over once you gain access to the glory hole. Now you must keep it secret and keep it safe. Tell too many people about all those lunkers waiting to bite, word will spread like wildfire and soon every fool with a Zebco will be knocking on your good-buddy-cousin’s door!
I would also be careful about posting photos of your fish on social media, especially since Congress passed that law in 2017 that all fish must immediately be photographed and bragged about on social media. Extreme caution is advised, because guys like me, who normally can’t balance a checkbook, are now out there channeling their inner Einstein, studying the background of your photo, analyzing the shadow patterns, calculating the angle of the sun, the rotation of the Earth and the universe to derive the exact GPS coordinates of your fishing haven.
That’s why I always Photoshop the background of any fishing photo before I post it.
“Man, are those Egyptian pyramids in the background there?”
“Dude, those Nile River bass were tearing it up today! They were hitting anything I threw into that papyrus grass….”
ALWAYS KNOW WHEN TO QUIT
This will take sheer discipline and the right timing, but a responsible angler knows when to quit and give a body of water a break before the population is annihilated. I have learned this the hard way. Nothing infuriates a property owner more than having the Environmental Protection Agency tell the press that an “Extinction Level Event,” similar to what happened to the dinosaurs, occurred in their backyard and then they come home to find crime scene tape circling the family pond.
THE FINAL TOUCH
Finally, after you have successfully exploited the generosity of your new friend, be sure to call or text and express your sincere gratitude and go on and on about how much it meant to you as a father to witness both of your sons catch their first fish on the same day (even though your youngest son actually played on his phone the entire time you fished and the oldest boy is off in his second year of college).
Trust me, that heartfelt “thank you” will get you invited back again and again. Besides, it’s the right thing to do. And it sure is easier to make one phone call than to mail out 200 wedding thank you notes.
