“All fishermen are liars; it’s an occupational disease with them like housemaid’s knee or editor’s ulcers.” – Beatrice Gray Cook in her 1949 book Till Fish Us Do Part: The Confessions of a Fisherman’s Wife.
Artificial intelligence. The breast implants of the digital technology world. You just don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore. And while I think that all mankind can benefit from artificially enhanced bosoms, there is only one group of people that truly has the right and truly deserves to use Generative AI.
No, it’s not journalists – that’s how you get “fake news.” Not those in business or marketing, that’s how you get false advertising. Certainly not politicians, lawyers and other criminals, that’s how you get fraud.
I’m talking about your common, amateur fishermen like me, a pastime where reality is open to interpretation and the truth is only one of many shiny attractions in your tackle box to use sparingly at your discretion.
For centuries untold, fisher folk were forced to exaggerate their catch the old-fashioned way, with absolutely no visual evidence or eyewitnesses. Historical accounts abound of anglers being driven from their villages by stoning, or burned at the stake as witches, after bragging about catching monstrous marine beasts. Some anglers told tall tales of dragons and mermaids at the ends of the world, and one fish tale – Jonah and the Whale – even made it into the pages of the Old Testament Bible but still leaves critics skeptical.
But now, in the year 2026, after generations of persecution, there are multiple apps that can alter and edit images in astounding, unrealistic ways, or even create totally fake images, to fully support, substantiate and verify your most outlandish claims. With this technology in the hands of modern fishermen, what could go wrong?
Today’s AI-enhanced world is filled with new possibilities. Let’s assume you are a modest, some wives might say, mediocre, fisherman like me. Your typical catch is, for example, a bream you would describe as “cute” and “full of potential,” but your fishing buddies/spouse/family members would describe as puny, pitiful, and pathetic. You are forced to measure it with the tiny metric dashes on your ruler. You can read the newspaper headlines through its thin, frail body if the lighting is right. You could fry it up whole and eat it like a potato chip – okay, I think you get the idea.
However, in today’s AI-infused society, beings of all types can transform and transition. For starters, let’s not assume this bream’s identity. Perhaps, deep down inside, this petite fellow feels like a crappie, a catfish, or even better, has the fighting heart of a trophy largemouth bass.
That’s where AI apps come in. With the help of ChatGPT, Claude, Gemini, or whatever your favorite app, this puny Pisces can now fulfill its underwater dreams and assume its true identity. Just snap a photo of your fish, and with a few phone clicks Old Potato Chip is now a monster marlin, nay, a swordfish, complete with a six-pack of muscles, a rock-hard jawline, gnarly tattoos, and a Hemingway-style mustache.
(While you are at it, why not add and enhance some muscles and good looks on your own body?)
With AI, you don’t even have to hold your fish up proudly for the camera – he is so massive he can hold you off the ground!
Did I say “he?” Let’s not assume this fish’s pronouns. What if the lonely, solo fish you spent all day catching identifies as “They/Them?” Today’s fisherman should strive to be an ally, accepting and inclusive. Just click your AI app and suddenly you have caught a “mess” of fish and your swordfish has enough friends in the photo to form a jury of its peers. Now we’re talking!
Speaking of juries, the verdict is in – modern fishing problems require modern solutions, and Generative AI is perfect for poorly skilled, unethical, lying sacks of fish meal like yours truly.
But I can’t help but wonder, what could AI do to enhance my wife’s bosom?
To explore more of Michael DeWitt’s work, from Southern humor and historical tales to true crime and Southern Gothic fiction, click the link below: https://michaeldewittsouthernwriter.substack.com/