Editor’s note: The following is a chapter from Clint Ward’s book, Looking Back: Stories of Hunting, Fishing, Family, and Faith.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
September in Georgia is the start of hunting season. Since before I could remember — even when I was just old enough to hold a Red Rider BB Gun — the calendar turning to September has always meant it’s time to hunt.
My desire to spend as much time as possible in the woods has, at times, presented problems for me with the opposite sex. From the time I began to date in high school, girlfriends had a hard time understanding just how important hunting season is to me. From Sept. 5, when dove season began, all the way through the end of deer season, I would constantly catch grief for spending so much time hunting. This problem continued into college, and even now my wonderful wife, Christa, just cannot fully grasp the importance of hunting season.
One day in October I walked into my house after spending several hours deer hunting. My sister, Allison, and my wife, Christa, were sitting in our family room. My sister said, “Did you kill anything?”
“No,” I said. “I saw two does and a small buck, but nothing worth shooting.”
Then my sister had the gall to ask me this question: “How can you go deer hunting day after day and never, ever get tired of it?”
This was my answer, and I happen to think it was absolutely genius:
“Let’s pretend, for just a minute, that on the fifth day of September this thing called shopping season officially opens. The rest of the year, absolutely no shopping is allowed except for groceries and other basic necessities. No shoes, shirts, dresses, underwear, hats, clothes for kids, furniture … nothing. You are not allowed to shop for any of these items until shopping season officially opens.
“So the rest of the year you are looking through magazines such as J.Crew, Boden, Victoria’s Secret, Crate and Barrel, Williams-Sonoma … any magazine you can get your hands on detailing what items you can buy once shopping season opens. But all you can do is thumb through these magazines and drool because you cannot buy anything until shopping season opens in September. Until that time, all you can do is dream and plan.
“And imagine that before the opening day of shopping, you are required by the state of Georgia to get a shopping license. Every person wishing to shop must pay either $35 to shop for any one kind of item or $150 for a license that gives shopping access to all items available during shopping season. Any shopper caught without a license would be subject to heavy fines for shopping illegally.
“Also, imagine that legal shopping hours are daylight to dark, and most stores close in the middle of the afternoon. All purchased items are final, and you must purchase the items in person. No one is allowed to hire a personal shopper or even have a friend do a favor by picking up some item for you. So if you are an avid shopper, it is a huge time commitment. No shining, meaning you cannot pull up to stores at night with a flashlight to see what you might be able to buy when the store opens the next day.
“Imagine that shopping season kicks off with sock, underwear, and pajama season. From opening day, on Sept. 5, and through Sept. 30, you are only able to purchase socks, underwear, and pajamas. By law, you cannot buy socks, underwear, or pajamas any other time of the year. And, you are not allowed to just purchase as much as you want. The state of Georgia puts a limit of fifteen items per week. If you are caught by the shopping warden purchasing more than fifteen items, you will be fined and may even have your license revoked for the rest of the season.
“And imagine that Sept. 26 through Oct. 30 is shirt, pant, and dress season. Only during these thirty-something days of the year can you purchase any shirts, pants, or dresses. Trying to buy these items any other time of the year is illegal, and even during this season you are limited to five items per week. Try and purchase more than five and the shopping warden will come after you.
“Imagine that Oct. 21 through Jan. 10 is shoe season. This is a longer season — because everyone knows that shoes are critical to making the whole outfit work — but the limit is fifteen pairs of shoes, per person, for the entire season. And this law about all sales being final is a real pain during shoes season. You cannot return anything, so once you’ve purchased those shoes, that’s it. No taking back those pumps you thought looked great in the store but once you got home you decided they looked like old lady shoes.
“Keep imagining that Dec. 1 through Jan. 5 is accessory season. Belts, purses, earrings, watches, and all other accessories can be purchased during this season. Because all women understand the importance of accessorizing, the shopping lobby has forced the state legislature to allow up to any five items per day.
“Now imagine those are the rules for shopping season. What do you think the opening day of shopping season would be like? I can tell you exactly what it would be like: Women all around the state would be waking up, dressing their best, going to a lunch with girlfriends that had been planned for weeks, and armed with both cash and credit cards. Some would have their daughters with them, carefully teaching them this time-honored tradition of going out on the opening day of shopping season. A few would be reminiscing about going with their own mothers on their first opening day and recounting their very first purchase or finding that perfect item on opening day.
“And imagine how the rest of shopping season would be for you. You would have absolutely no idea when something may go on sale. You would have to go and sit at stores or in parking lots at malls, just waiting and watching for some store manager to put a sign in the window reading: SHOE SALE! or DRESSES HALF OFF! Once the sign was spotted, women from everywhere would descend onto the store and the ones with the best shopping skills would get the items they wanted while the rest just cussed up a storm.
“Imagine for a moment that this was the only way any shopping could happen. Imagine what life would be like for the families of these women. From the beginning of September to the end of December, no man would ever get a home-cooked meal. And when men did see their wives, they would be on their cell phones talking with their girlfriends, trying to find out where the best deals were happening and getting the latest scouting report on shopping conditions.
“Every evening wives would be laying out their strategy and making sure their husbands were fully on board. ‘Honey, can you pick up the kids after school tomorrow? I’m going to run by Dillard’s in the afternoon. I heard today that they may be having a secret sale on skirts, and I’ve been trying to get a plaid one all season long.’
“‘Sure, honey. I’ll be happy to pick up the kids. What time do you think we can expect you home?’ he asks sarcastically.
“‘I’ll be home around dark-thirty, and don’t ask me again. Don’t you know how long I’ve waited to find a plaid skirt? If I miss this chance, I might not get another until next year!’ Her husband just rolls his eyes.
“And imagine that in the middle of shopping season, there is a random sale time. Stores put different items on sale, but no one has a clue what stores will put what items on sale at what times. The only way to know is by being there when one of those sales is happening or to overhear a rumor that a sale is going to happen. When a sale is discovered, cell phones light up. A wife comes flying in the door one evening, phone glued to her ear, yelling, ‘Go to Macy’s at first light. All the shoes are half off. May be the same way in the morning, but I don’t know. Okay, I’ve got to go. Christy is beeping in on the other line and may have some more news for me.’ All evening long she is on the phone with friends, trying to get the scoop and figuring out where to go to get exactly what she needs. As she does this, she walks past her husband and kids, who are completely dumbfounded by the whole thing. Life as they know it has basically stopped. All they can do is to wait until shopping season is over.
“And just imagine some idiot groom planning his wedding on the same exact day as the opening day of shirt, pant, and dress season. Can’t you just hear those women complaining about being invited to that wedding. ‘Can you believe she let him plan their wedding day on opening day?!? That is one rooster-pecked bride, I tell you. I would NEVER have let my husband try and plan our wedding in the middle of shopping season. Any other day during any other part of the year, fine. But how can they expect us to give up the opening day of dress season just to go to some boring wedding ceremony?’
“Imagine just how much the importance of going to wedding ceremonies would change in the eyes of women everywhere. That groom may not have gotten it, but women everywhere would understand this truth: shopping season is just that important. Clothes have to be bought for the rest of the year. If a woman is going to look good, then she has to do some serious work during shopping season. Taking time off for a wedding may just mean missing a critical piece of clothing that can be worn for years to come. “Imagine that shopping season was reality.
“Now … imagine some idiot husband somewhere in the state of Georgia actually having the gall to ask his wife, ‘Why do you have to shop so much during shopping season? You just went last week. There is always next year.’ What do you think her answer would be?”
I happened to think my response to my sister was pure genius. For some strange reason, she did not.
From nearly dying while hunting for mountain goats in British Columbia to teaching his son how to track a deer, Clint Ward shares his stories of how the outdoors have shaped him as a man and taught him what’s really important in life. These easy-to-read stories enable the reader to experience the incredible beauty of God’s creation, the challenge of a big hunt, and the fulfillment found in the family bond.
Nature serves as Ward’s classroom, teaching him to depend on his faith in desperate situations as well as in the quiet moments. His vivid descriptions of battling extreme conditions allow the reader to experience the physical, mental, and emotional challenges of the wilderness hunt. His humor, family interactions, and chance encounters set the stage for learning life’s lessons.
Looking Back is available for sale on Amazon. New copies are priced at $13.83, with digital downloads for $7.99.
