It was a question that needed to be answered.
Is there a way for me to experience the pain and misery of the polar vortex while simultaneously bettering myself physically?
Ok, so maybe it’s not a popular question but it’s one I had. I asked myself about experiencing the polar vortex because, as a native Texan, I have difficulty comprehending what the extreme temperatures experienced by those currently facing Polar Vortex 2019’s wrath are incurring. True, it gets pretty cold in Texas. The state reached a record low in 1899 when the mercury in Tulia dropped to -23°. But extreme temperatures such as this are rare and historically have never come close to the -65° wind chill factor folks in Minnesota have been dealing with lately. Fortunately, my inquisitive nature led me to a way to experience even more God-awful temperatures than those under the grip of the vortex that didn’t involve a 22-hour car drive.
The local spa, Root.ology, offers True Whole Body Cryotherapy via their Cryo-Chamber. This chamber resembles a 1970’s circa walk-in shower on the outside but inside has enough refrigeration to chill the chamber to -180°. Spending time in this chamber would not only allow me to comprehend vortex temperatures and then some but, according to Root.ology, would be beneficial to me physically. Root.ology’s website states, “Extreme cold stimulates skin sensors activating a central nervous system response. This causes the release of endorphins, while the enhanced circulation activity decreases inflammation by clearing toxins and metabolic wastes with a supply of oxygen and nutrient rich blood, stimulating cellular regeneration.”
I was met at Root.ology by an attractive 20-something young lady who, after collecting my waiver, led me to their cryo-chamber room. She pointed out that the inside of the chamber was a brisk -146. 20°, then instructed me to put on the shorts I brought along with the provided earmuffs, surgical mask, socks, booties, and mittens. The young lady left then returned after I’d changed.
“How we feeling?” she asked.
“Never sexier,” I groaned in the stark realization that what I was wearing – and not wearing – wasn’t flattering in any way, shape or form. The young lady arched her 5’11” tall slender Amazonian frame in laughter then ran me through my instructions. I would be in the chamber for three and a half minutes. Do not touch the walls of the chamber. Keep moving at all times. An announcement would inform me of my time left. The ‘Glamazon’ blasted the song I selected then took my skin temperature (87°) and watched as I entered the chamber.
It was freezing but, oddly enough, not that bad. It felt no different than walking outside in pajamas on a cold day. This feeling lasted about 20 seconds. Then my body understood my surroundings and began screaming. My skin turned red. Breathing in slightly burned.
“Two minutes remaining.” I involuntarily started to shiver and move in an effort to stay warm. “One minute remaining.” My skin felt dry as chalk. My eyes felt more so. “Thirty seconds remaining.” My skin burned. My legs and arms were on fire. I wondered if anyone had ever died doing this. I thought I might die doing this. “Fifteen seconds remaining.” THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER DONE! I AM SO STUPID?!
The young lady opened the door and I bolted out. She took my skin temperature and declared that it had dropped 33°.
“How ya’ feeling now?” she asked.
I thought for a moment then exclaimed that I felt great. I was euphoric and felt recharged. Do I think experiencing cold such as this outside of a controlled environment would be as great?
No. Not at all. But the massive high I got after exiting the chamber was worth three and a half minutes of pain and discomfort.
And almost worth the embarrassment of exposing my dad bod to a super model.
Almost.