Purchasing a hunting puppy is typically a joyous occasion for a family…but it should automatically come with a few additional items as a standard package.

Not long after my wife Kat and I became the proud new owners of an 8-week-old Labrador retriever puppy named Nash, I heard a high-pitched growl followed shortly by an even higher pitched shriek coming from the kitchen. I rushed in to find my wife down on the floor with her tear-filled eyes locked on the puppy and the puppy locked onto her nose! As I would later learn, she had been nuzzling the puppy while he was eating when she soon discovered that this is probably not a good thing to do with the alpha male of the litter. The problem before me (and especially before my dear wife) was that every time I tried to gently pry apart those puppy jaws lined with needle-sharp teeth, Nash would shake his head like a rat terrier, apparently delighted at the new shrieking toy he had discovered. We were only able to break his hold on my wife’s nose by some careful negotiating involving a strip of bacon. He eventually outgrew his desire to latch onto the nose of the lady of the house just about the time he realized that she controlled the refrigerator. Nash subsequently moved on to less dangerous pursuits like chewing on her ponytail and earrings and then eventually graduated to chewing on furniture, rugs and just about anything else he could fit between his jaws.

One day, while Nash was still a young dog, I came home from work to discover fur all over the front room. This by itself would not be unusual, since we have dogs around, except for the fact that this was not dog fur but antelope fur. I was still trying to rationalize how antelope fur could be spread throughout the house when I discovered Nash with the remnants of my trophy antelope mount nestled snuggly between his paws, chewing contentedly on the single remaining horn tip. At some point during the day, he had managed to dislodge the mount from the wall, which was a good six feet from the floor, and completely chewed off both of his ears, the nose and the tips of both horns. Nash apparently assumed that this expensive chew toy had simply been placed on the wall for his entertainment and chewing pleasure. It became quite the conversation piece for a while after I sent what was left of the mount to my taxidermist to see if she could find a new cape and somehow reshape new horn tips. While the destroyed mount hung in her shop awaiting repair, customers would ask “What the heck happened to that antelope?” “Labrador puppy,” she would say, and the customers would simply nod their heads in understanding and utter a knowing “oooooh.” I presumed (quite wrongly as it turned out), that the sight of his master hopping maniacally around that antelope mount and yelling at him would have diminished his desire to destroy any more game mounts in the future. However, not even two weeks after the antelope incident, I came home to find feathers spread across the front room and the tattered remains of a now headless drake and hen wood duck. Unfortunately, these ducks were well beyond repair, even for my taxidermist, who was by now beginning to get rather proficient at fixing up my game mounts.

The purchase of a new hunting dog is typically a very joyous occasion for the family, but I have always thought that dog breeders were missing out on a secondary business opportunity. When you buy your new puppy, it should automatically come with a few additional items as a standard package. I could imagine the conversation between the breeder and the new dog owners going something like this:

Breeder: Here’s your new puppy. (handing over a cardboard box containing the little bundle of joy)

New dog owners: (Cooing at the puppy and petting his head while the dog does his best to gnaw off their fingers with his sharp puppy teeth)

Breeder: And along with your new dog is this commercial grade steam cleaner and a full year’s supply of industrial strength carpet detergent.

New dog owners: (Looking somewhat bewildered that they should need all this stuff for such a small dog)

Breeder: I also have a pallet of paper towels for you and this here is a coupon for 50% off on your next carpet purchase. Now that coupon expires in a year but that doesn’t usually prove to be an issue with most folks. You did bring a truck didn’t you?

New dog owners: (Smiling weakly, taking the coupon and now beginning to seriously wonder what it is that they have gotten themselves into)

Breeder: Oh, I almost forgot! I also have your gallon of all-purpose spar varnish.

New dog owners: (Couple looking quizzically at the Breeder) What’s that for?

Breeder: For every chair and table leg in the house!

New dog owners: Will he actually chew on the furniture?

Breeder: Like a manic beaver on speed! (Dog Breeder pats the couple on the back and rushes them out the door before they can change their mind)

Breeder: One last thing, you may want to keep that little rascal in the box for the ride home, he must have gotten into something today that didn’t quite agree with him.

New dog owners: (Walking back to the truck now holding the box and puppy at arms-length with the look of impending disaster written on their faces)

You will be happy to know that despite his penchant for destroying animal mounts, Nash did manage to live a long and happy life. This was not because he eventually outgrew his need to chew on inanimate and inedible objects, but rather because he became a ninja master at evading my grasp while I was angry! I’ve decided that buying a new puppy is a lot like childbirth. By the time you are ready to purchase a new dog you have completely forgotten about the pain, trauma and expense you experienced with the old dog…at least that’s what my wife tells me.