A collective group of gun-smuggling savants advise a young, newly wed husband on plausible strategies for sneaking guns past his wife.

I was at my local sportsman’s club recently, a friendly neighborhood place where threadbear flannel or last year’s camo pattern are always in style and part of the dress code. Seated with me at my table was my new son-in-law Matt and the usual assortment of miscreants, reprobates and ne’er do wells, who are otherwise known as my best hunting and shooting buddies.

Matt was describing his new rifle to the group when he mentioned that he had actually asked his bride about the purchase. The table fell silent for a moment and the group stared incredulously at the young man (and if you knew the collective I.Q. of this group, you would appreciate just how difficult that was since most of these guys have no idea what incredulous even means, much less how to spell it). Not surprisingly, my daughter was far less excited about the purchase of that new rifle than Matt was. The faux pas my son-in-law had committed was clearly a rookie mistake. He simply made the naive assumption that by being honest with his new wife (a young lady whom I may mention grew up watching her father acquire firearms by all the various means of subterfuge and was thus well educated on the matter), would be as thrilled as he was about his new acquisition. Granted, this tactic may work the first time, when the element of surprise is on your side (after all, who expects frank honesty from a husband in situations like these), but wives have a pretty steep learning curve for this sort of thing and I can assure you that any subsequent attempt at using open honesty will be met with a hearty laugh of derision and the husband will be summarily ordered to return said firearm, posthaste!

It was immediately apparent that this freshly minted husband desperately needed some education about the finer points of gun smuggling and firearm diplomacy. The group assembled that night was clearly up to the task for what they lacked in raw intellectual horsepower they more than made up for by what they knew about the tactics necessary to acquire firearms and still preserve domestic tranquility. Not that I am one to pontificate, but I started off the discussion that night with a brief history lesson. “The art of smuggling weapons actually predates both firearms and the formal institution of marriage. In fact, one of the Lascaux cave paintings in France clearly shows an irate cavewoman questioning a caveman about a new club he is apparently trying to sneak into the cave. The paintings seem to depict the following exchange;

Cavewoman: Grog, I see you have a new club?

Caveman (looking like a deer in the headlights): Oh this? Uh, I got this club practically for free from Trog’s widow after he had that unfortunate encounter with a cave bear last week (note to self: Always make sure the cave is well illuminated before attempting to snuggle with who you presume is your cavewoman).

The last image shows the cavewoman effectively using the newly acquired club on Grog’s head to better articulate her opinion on the matter.

Some of the finer historic facts here may have been stretched a little, but it was all in the interest of educating this young man and saving him from what would otherwise be a rather acrimonious marriage. Indeed, as long as man has sought to acquire firearms or clubs for that matter, women have been successfully foiling their attempts. As a result, the more cunning among us have developed a number of ingenious ruses to sneak guns past the suspicious gaze of our dear wives.

“What you need Matthew” said one of my esteemed hunting buddies, “is a better ploy for bringing firearms into the house.”

“You mean I should lie?” Matt asked.

“No!” the group shouted in unison, “it’s not exactly lying if she doesn’t know about the firearm in the first place or if she chooses to operate under a false set of assumptions.” Said another buddy.

Warming to the idea, this collective group of gun-smuggling savants offered Matt a number of plausible strategies proven to work at least once and possibly twice if you are damn lucky!

The Good Fortune Ploy

Perhaps the most common tactic is the Good Fortune Ploy. The basic premise is that you have, by some incredible stroke of good luck, found a remarkable deal on a firearm from (a) Garage Sale (b) Pawn shop (c) Antique store, (d) Grieving widow (e) Desperate friend (f) Deranged gun shop owner, or any combination therein. After the purchase, you explain to your dear wife that you really did not want to buy a firearm at all, for you are much too fiscally responsible for such things, but it was simply too good of a deal to pass up. On a cautionary note, I know of one individual who used this strategy to purchase an expensive Purdey shotgun (as if there were any other type of Purdey shotgun). Because it was “practically free,” his wife decided to surprise him by having the “garage sale” shotgun turned into a decorative, yet very functional, reading lamp! I am told that upon unwrapping his gift that he was actually moved to tears by her kind and thoughtful gesture. The moral to this story is that if you plan on using this form of deceit you should make sure that you already have a working reading lamp!

The Banquet Bonanza Ploy

Somewhat relatedly is the Banquet Bonanza Ploy. Let’s just say simply that if all the various hunting and conservation groups gave out as many free guns as husbands claim they have won, these fine organizations would have gone bankrupt and ceased to exist decades ago.

The Swap and Switch Gambit

A favorite among the habitual gun traders in our group is a strategy they call the Swap and Switch Gambit. This chicanery relies on the supposed inability of most wives to distinguish differences between various types of firearms. The perpetrator of this little form of deception simply hopes that as long as only one gun is brought out at a time, the subtleties between his various rifles, shotguns and handguns, will simply go unnoticed. This works well until those subtleties are indeed noticed, then you have some serious explaining to do.

The Hunting Buddy Accomplice Strategy

Sometimes, in the absence of a better plan, the Hunting Buddy Accomplice Strategy is employed. In this instance, your hunting buddy simply feigns ownership of your newly acquired firearm until you can think of a better plan to actually move the gun into your own house. I have seen this used for boats and ATV’s with equal success. However, a major pitfall of this approach is having your buddy conveniently forget that the gun actually belongs to you. It is also best if your accomplice is either divorced or single because married accomplices have a nasty habit of throwing you beneath the bus when their own wife discovers what’s going on. You also run the distinct risk of being ratted out to your own wife.

The Expanding Gun Safe Strategy

By now, Matt was beginning to catch on and was furiously taking notes on the back of a target which had only a few holes randomly scattered across it. The boys continued their lesson on the topic with the Expanding Gun Safe Strategy. The idea here is to purchase several gun safes and bank on the fact that your wife will likely never look inside to check the contents–especially if you keep the combinations a closely guarded secret.

The Investment Scheme

Another tactic which has been successfully used is the Investment Scheme. The argument here is that all the expensive firearms you are purchasing are intended strictly for investment purposes and will appreciate in value at a rate roughly equivalent to that of precious metals during a depression. For some “investors” in our group, the only stocks they ever trade in are the ones made of walnut or kevlar.

The Legacy Ruse

Somewhat relatedly is the Legacy Ruse. Here the perpetrator insists that he is purchasing the firearm to hand down to the children. For this bit of chicanery to be successful first make sure that you actually have children or grandchildren. Secondly, purchasing a dangerous game rifle in .458 Lott to hand down to your daughter who tips the scale at a mere 95 pounds is apt to cause a great deal of consternation on the part of both your wife and daughter.

The Gift Scheme

Lastly, we have the Gift Scheme. In this scenario, your best hunting buddy has just given you the very firearm that you have been coveting down at the local gun shop. For this subterfuge to stand a chance of working, it is imperative that you have not been complaining to your wife for the last 10 years about how incredibly stingy and cheap your hunting buddy actually is. Also, this is not likely to pass the sniff test if your hunting buddy suddenly begins buying you a new firearm every other week! At the very least, eyebrows may be raised!

With that, the boys concluded their tutorial on the finer points of acquiring firearms and promised to give the lad a postgraduate lecture on creative financing in the near future. What these “rogue” scholars know about forensic accounting, diverting funds and laundering money would be the envy of any Mafia Boss or Columbian Drug Lord, but that’s another story. As Matt was leaving, he said that he still thought honesty was probably the best policy when it came to purchasing a new gun, at least the first time! He is catching on!